Thought Bomb

Fun fact – When I was younger I struggled with depression and thoughts of suicide. I never quite figured out how but through some miracle I survived that part of my life.

I don’t really want to go into details. I’ve come to terms and made peace with it as best as I can but it’s still rough to bring my mind back there.

A lot of people struggle with depression and anxiety. It stems from different things for different folks. For some it’s based on traumas that happened in our youth. P.S. No trauma is greater than another. If it affects you? If it hurts? If it triggers you? It’s valid. We don’t get to go around weighing the bad shit to decide who wins the “my life sucks” trophy. I’m not sure that’s a trophy that I would want to win anyway.

I’m 34 now. I still struggle with anxiety and self doubt and questions. Sometimes the brain takes over and the thoughts that come through feel so thick that I can’t breathe. Sometimes the pressure feels so intense that I explode. Into tears. Into violence. Into screaming.

But I digress.

Courtney Tama has a story that feels similar to mine. She is a writer, and a fucking brilliant one at that. She has been working on a book about anxiety and depression and the healing cycle. The rough draft I read hit so fucking close to home it hurt and I found myself going through old forgotten memories trying to pinpoint when my life changed. When the ugly thoughts began to lessen. How I worked through them. Looking back it felt like one day I just woke up and the sun was out… though I’m certain that wasn’t the case. The words she uses are poignant. And real.

She hit me up looking for an illustration for the book and I was honored to oblige.

But how do I draw what I feel when I’m in the throes? It feels like my humanity melts off. Like my skin becomes fire and raw and achey and the words of a thousand dead conversations reverberate through my mind. And they become so overbearing that it feels like they are tattooed on my skin and I can’t scrub them off no matter how hard I fucking try. And in the end everything is raw and hurts so bad that all you can do is just sit there and hope that it will pass soon so you can go on pretending that you are normal. Whatever normal actually is.

The book is still being worked on but I cannot wait until it is published and I can share it with all of you guys.

And seriously. Come find me if you need a friend. I’m here. You are loved. And whatever you are going through will pass.

If you’d like some sneak peaks of Courtney’s work feel free to check out her website — https://courtneytama.com/

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