Self Destruct – An ode to anxiety, addiction, suicide, and depression.

Bitchcraft CD Art

Self Destruct – TSS
Lyrics written by Brea Danger.

Been wishing on all the wrong stars, for all the wrong things.
I’ve lost my sense of self. I’m fucking failing.
Both hands on the wheel, I’m running till I’m dead.
Crying blood and bleeding tears,
GET OUT MY FUCKING HEAD.

Self Destruct.
Self Destruct.
Self Destruct.
Self Destruct.

Lying naked in this bed. Cigarette and bottle in hand
These skeletons in my head, They just won’t let me win.
Both hands on the wheel. I’m running till I’m dead.
Crying blood and bleeding tears.
GET OUT MY FUCKING HEAD.

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I still remember what it is like to be filled with such a bleak and lonely desperation that suicide feels like a viable option.  It’s hard not to remember being that low.  I don’t think on it often but it comes running in whenever someone mentions that shitty word.  There were two suicides this past week.  I didn’t know either of the people well but it brought up some dark memories.   But the deaths are affecting people I care about deeply.  So it affects me too.

Talking about it helps.  Momentarily.  But nothing can save you when that gut wrenching hurt and desperation set in when its 3 AM in the morning on a Tuesday night and everyone who said they cared arent there.  Furthermore, why would someone as shitty as you bother them when they have their own lives to live?  It’s hard when your sitting there asking yourself if it’s worth it and you’ve got whatever drug/gun/sharp object pointed to your head.  I get it.  Believe me.  But there is in fact life past that despair and pain.  16 years later and I’m still here.  Still kicking.  Still living my life.  But I do remember that split second decision I made when I changed my mind at the very last second and ended up staying on this earth for a little bit longer.  I have no regrets either.  That moment in a lot of ways defined who I am today.  And to everyone that doesn’t understand why someone would even imagine killing themselves that’s okay too.  You don’t have to understand the why.  Not everyone will.  And everyone has their own reasons as to why they feel suicide is the answer.

You do not have to understand.  What you DO need to do however, is shower everyone you care about with love.  Because sometimes that is enough to save a life.   A smile saved mine.  That and some dork named Marcus who would listen to me sobbing my eyes out on the phone every night because I couldn’t take one more day of shit at school just to come home to a drunk derelict abusive father who got off making you feel as little as possible.  But that is my past, not my future.

I struggle with alcohol however.  I struggle with seeing myself become my father.  I know how easy it can be.  When I point the bottle at my head and 8 beers later realize I’ve forgotten how to stop.  It’s easy to justify it when your drinking.  It’s a party.  It’s a birthday. I got a raise.  I’m stressed.  I’m tired. It helps calm my nerves. It helps me sleep.  It’s friday. But my true fear with all of that is more that for years I’ve been using it as a coping mechanism to calm my nerves and to get me through to the next day.  Much like those phone calls used to.  It numbs me.  Dulls me.  Makes life more manageable.  It makes me do things and say things I normally wouldn’t and helps make being around people more tolerable.

And then I apologize.  And I feel guilt and shame for being like him.  And then I see me becoming him.  I don’t think alcohol is innately bad.  But I feel like for me it might be.

This song? This song is all of that encompassed together.  It is about being in one of my manic moods.  I was living on my parents couch in a garage after a shitty breakup from a guy I had been with for 7 years.  I had been drinking myself numb for weeks trying to run from a past I couldn’t face.  And didn’t want to at that time.

But, it follows you. From place to place, town to town, situation to situation.  It’s still there.  I feel like this song was my way of acknowledging all of that.  And as of right now, today, I am still struggling with alcohol.  Every time I feel like I get it under control I end up going past a boundary I set.  I think it might be time to end that particular chapter for the time being.  But I suppose we will see where my path takes me.

 

 

 

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