There is something seriously bittersweet about switching journals. It is the first thing I see after I wake up usually and most nights is one of the last things I see before I go to bed.  It has a special place where it rests when I’m not using it and I carry it with me when I travel.  It has seen the good and the bad sides of me and has definitely seen me shed a few tears.

journal2My old journal ,the gaudy shiny unicorn one is something my husband bought me.  I’ve had this thing for unicorns since I was a little girl.  When I was small my room was painted pink and was covered in unicorn everything.  There was a period in my life where I strayed away from that thinking I was too cool for school.. but the older I’ve gotten I’ve  found myself coming full circle back to them.  My office is now painted pink and filled with unicorns again.

I loved the gaudy cheap feeling of that journal though and I loved the fact that when Tim saw it he had to get it for me.  His words were “You love unicorns Brea? You have to love all sides of them. Even this gay ass shit right here. Embrace it fully or don’t embrace it all” (Those are me paraphrasing his words.)  And ya know, I kind of took that sentiment and ran with it.

This past year has been  huge for me.  I went from constantly moving, constantly pushing myself, constantly having something or someone on my ass to having nothing and having to learn to live with the stillness and silence. It kind of drove me crazy at first. I went from having a band that played every weekend to having no creative outlet at all.  I went from being connected in every way possible to push a project to completely cutting myself off from people and life and the outside world.  I went from being borderline alcoholic to cutting out drinking  entirely (Then going back to being borderline alcoholic.  It’s a process. I’m working on it. But I’m convinced that artists really do a need a vice.)

But the one thing I’ve learned over anything else since starting that little journal is that I need to embrace myself fully and love all of who I am. I thought I had done that… but seriously I had a lot to learn and still do to be honest.   And also that I need to keep the balance in my life.  And I’ve come to learn to love that silence. And the stillness. And all the grimy fucked up parts of me.  And the flame and fire and passion that growing up in a small town tried to kill because it was different than them? Well I’m embracing that too. It’s all come full circle.  And that stupid gaudy little unicorn journal was such an important part of all of that.

journal1.jpgAnd it’s fitting that a year or so (maybe a little less) I’m now trying to start a new journey back into the world and that this new journal is going to see me through that.  It’s pink (my favorite color) with the contrasting (i love contrast!) black glitter moon phases I painted on(a reminder that I am a cyclical being and to go with the ebbs and flows) and a little charm to remind me of who and what I am. Because goddammit it’s easy to forget in this fast paced shit storm of a world we live in.

So here’s to you new little journal and the stories we will live out together in this fucked up thing called life.

2 thoughts on “Journals

  1. Excellent writing. I have piles of journals! I too was in a band that performed every weekend. I have also battled addictions. I found reading your blog to be quite informative!⛤🌿🔮

    Liked by 1 person

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