New Moon Anxieties

Life is about balance. The light and the dark. Both are equally important and it is important to know when to let them in. But I was afraid of the dark as a young child and part of that fear carried over to my adult life.

It’s interesting to note that almost everything in life has a light side and dark side. We simplify that concept into good verses evil but it’s more than that. And not everything dark is evil. Misunderstood? Yes. Learning to embrace that darkness, that shadow, and treat it as a friend is key here.

I knew that I wouldn’t be able and shouldn’t do my new moon ritual today. Both because of time and mental state. But I felt the inspiration to create this instead so let this be my new moon offering. Today it would have been preferred to sit at home bundled up on my couch cowering away until my mood shifted but sadly obligations required me to put on my big girl pants and suck it up.

I get really bad anxiety sometimes. Lot’s of people do. I’m pretty sure it simply is just part of our society in this day and age. Everything moves so quickly. It is so easy to get overwhelmed by everything that life and social media and the world that we live in throws at us.

For a while now I’ve been keeping a journal. I try to write in it daily as part of my morning ritual I keep track of my moods, what I did that day, what moon phase the day is and any thoughts I deem important enough to write down. I’ve noticed that anxiety hits me hardest on the new moon. And also when I PMS.

Today, it hit me really hard. I feel outside factors triggered it today… But usually I can Cope with it better. It’s hard to function normally when all you want to do is scream and cry and curl up on your couch in your PJs with your cats while eating everything terrible and watching star trek. Because that is what I wanted to do today. It can get so bad it almost paralyzes you. It’s easier to simply not do anything than it is to do something and do it wrong and then your stupid dumb brain creates a story in your head and you get lost in a twisted circle. The X of Swords? Yeah. That’s my head sometimes. Cutting and piercing. And today that was it. Second guessing everything I do and say to the point where it feels best to simply just cower in a corner and let it pass.

It’s gotten easier, though. The more I focus on my spirituality and deconstructing myself and facing who I am, the good and the bad, it becomes easier and easier to deal with it and cope with it. Whatever this ‘it’ monster is. Usually it’s myself cutting down everything I try to do and become. I realized a while back that darkness still haunts me. I’ve spent this past year working on accepting that side of me. My shadow side. It’s been difficult. Sometimes it still comes out to pout and I think it gets a perverse pleasure from making my stomach churn in self doubt.

But regardless of how I’m feeling that day I do a short morning ritual right after I wake up. It helps me to focus and prepare myself for the day ahead. I also do a winding down ritual that helps me sleep.

I love doing new and full moon rituals. These have really helped me to hone in on my path. Which I’m still not sure what it is exactly. I just know I keep slowly piecing it together as time goes on. And I can feel myself becoming more and more in sync with the person I know I”m supposed to be and where I’m supposed to be.

I woke up this morning with the intent of doing my new moon ritual tonight. I do a ritual bath and set my intention for the lunar month. But as the day progressed I knew in my heart trying to squeeze it in would be impossible. Between me working late, cooking supper, taking care of the cats, the plants, and then the date night I promised munster (note: he doesn’t get home till 7 or 8 most days)

But mainly because you shouldn’t just ‘squeeze’ it in. I have to constantly remind myself not to over-do myself and when it comes to my rituals and spiritual workings that I should do it only when I can apply my whole self to it. I don’t want to rush through them. And I don’t want to do them when I have something eating at the back of my mind that I’ll be running late for or that I should be doing instead.

I’ve been working long hours at work.. between that and the chaos of my moms surgery I have binge boozed and stress ate myself to gain a whole 5 lbs in a week. I feel like crap. My face is breaking out. I’m bloated. I’m tired. My body is screaming at me to sleep. And I knew deep down in my heart of hearts that doing anything tonight would be futile. So I’m going to wait and follow what my intuition and body is telling me. I’d like to think it will be tomorrow when I do it but to be honest it will probably be Friday. The new moon energy usually lasts for about 3 days after. I can feel her darkness for that long and usually don’t start feeling like myself again until then. A part of me feels guilty for not following through. The rest of me knows that half-assing shit gets you nowhere.

The most important part of the life I’m choosing to live right now is learning to follow my intuition and my body and learning to SLOOWWW DOWN. The rest, I do believe, will fall into place as it is meant to be.

newMoon

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